I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
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I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.