Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
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centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!