I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
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How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.