Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
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Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I have a new favorite meme page
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”