Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
I’m sorry…what?
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
I have many caverns
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.