“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
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[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.