We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
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Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Scream sneezers need love too.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.