Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
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Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.