Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
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Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Truth
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
⛄️
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”