[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
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When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
that colleague who touches your screen
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”