Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
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[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
I laughed at this way too hard.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!