People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
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@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!