Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
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My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.