me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
You Might Also Like
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Breaking news:
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.