Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
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LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Lmao
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.