When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
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not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos