Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
You Might Also Like
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
*pokes sex life with a stick
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Yoga Matt
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?