In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
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POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.