[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
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RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered