Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
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I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?