My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
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I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
How it started How it’s going
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss