Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
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stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did