Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
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If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.