Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
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Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.