awesome draft from months ago i just found
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If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Oh deer
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.