omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
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Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
#Caturday
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”