Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
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My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Yup!
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers