Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
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Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”