I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
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I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
I am crying
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.