Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
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me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site