me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
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“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
so i’m at the stock market right
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
the battle rages on
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?