It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
You Might Also Like
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
I’m giving up for Lent.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.