I think something went wrong here?!🤔
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I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
pep talk
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Quadruple digit IQ
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.