Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
You Might Also Like
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!