Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
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[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato