stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
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If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”