{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
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Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Why font matters.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*