I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
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You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.