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I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.