you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
You Might Also Like
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”