Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
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My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
The news is so predictable nowadays
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”