I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
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[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht