New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
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I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.