It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
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You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.