That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
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An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.