[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
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I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad