This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
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[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
This is so me 😂😂
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Baller is short for ballerina
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
#polloftheday
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
My dog learned how to text
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
🥶🥶🐶🐶