The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
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If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Wedding planning is organized crime.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*