My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
You Might Also Like
Never forget.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
When you kidnap a writer.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Who knew!
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.