If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
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imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Duolingo getting serious.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
then why did i get this email